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Chicago was really nice. I've returned home to a thick fog, a cloud. My house looks like it's wrapped in a blanket of mist.

Doing Laundry and trying to get out of a funk. My favorite teacher taught me how to say "how are you" in Japanese. I was invited to a bunch of stuff this weekend, it's weird. But alas I am leaving tomorrow, I really am this time. I'm not just talking about it.

And then I close my eyes and cast spells. My nostrils flare and cat food appears on the step for Monster, the neighborhood cat who visits us often. I can teleport to cat land where there are bottles of Chinese alcohol and bags with bizarre animal shapes on them. And there is my homi and things are good. This is youth. Oh wait, I'm old like Charlie Chaplin. That ain't bad, iodine erections aren't bad. "Words are meaningless.." - Villeneuve (why do you sing then?)

I guess I need to have a deliverance song like old times, and some caramel syrup.

Someone came up to me today after Speech class and asked me about my scholarship. "Did you buy new clothes? How much were they?"

For the record.

Shirt, $32 dollars, Lava Lounge sales rack.
Pants, $20 dollars, Swedish, cheap and cheerful.
Shoes, $31 dollars, on sale at Heavenly Soles.
Jacket, $58 dollars, Lava Lounge.
Underwear, gift.
Socks, $6 dollars for 3 pair, target.

Also, "How can you afford to do a demonstrative speech on Sushi?"

I'm making my favorite kind - Inari, which involves no fish. Total cost of making Inari for the entire class:

Rice, $6 dollars for a premium bag of california sushi-grade.
Inari pouches, $15 dollars total.
Rice Vinegar, $7 dollar bottle, although it's 3/4 full and I bought it at the beginning of the year.

However I'm not even going to make it. I'm just going to spend $20 dollars even at Lunds for 30 or so Inari, condiments included.

Green zebras and a natural emotion. I think that I will wear glasses. It looks alright.

What I do tomorrow depends on tonight which depends on clean laundry and a couple of scientific articles on medicine and I realize that I'm missing the point, special thanks to the retarded elves.

"Something I learned today
Black and white is always grey
Looking through the window pane
I'm not inside your brain
Something I learned today
Yield to the right-of-way
Stopping at a 4-way sign
Someone else's rules, not mine

Something I learned today
Never look straight in the sun's rays
Letting all the sunshine in
Can't remember where I've been" - Husker Du (Umlaut-less), "Something I learned today"

12:47 AM, apprehension. French test tomorrow morning, and then a hectic day before a small vacation. I effectively have a gag order on myself, and I am unfortunately following it.

There weren't many things to look forward to this semester. Just courses, work, and Chicago. I'm flying tomorrow, then...

I do enjoy writing in my internet diary, and today is no exception. It was a lovely jour, with diligent bouts of studying and a nice dinner with Japanese-style fried rice. I partook in that meal with Lydia, my delightful friend. It was in celebration of her birthday, albeit today was the day after.

Ah, and a sweet email was sent my way, a kind thank-you in fact. A correspondence has been initiated. Bon mots are flying through the internet at the typical speed, which is quite fast, I do believe.

I'm going to explode!

Someone asked me today, "Are you a malfunctioning Sim?" I must look like it. My back is bent, my eyes are ringed with dark circles, and I am seriously short on the "comfort" and "fun" bars.

Dishes call.

It's a very happy, sunny, breezy, beautiful, perfect autumn day. I'll let Fiona Apple take care of the psychobabble. Spread her love a little bit today by the way:

"I'm undecided about you again
I can be right that you're not here
It's double sided 'cause I ruined it all
But also saved myself
by never believing you dear

Everything good I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before

Oh sailor why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Saying there's nothing to it
Then lettin' it go by the boards.

... And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake appeared the touch and call of a different breed
One of the steps is getting wise and got me there and then got." - Fiona Apple, "Oh Sailor"

Setting the alarm for 5:39 AM...

Friday?

Autumn right now reminds me of a time when everything felt like a golden tinted art deco metropolis. Feels like many years ago. I took nothing for granted back then. The days grow more silent, the voices more incomprehensible. I'm absolutely exhausted.

Oh yeah, time to sleep to Sebastien T. Tuesday is going to be nice.

Today I received a book from an American ex-pat, a small photo manga of the film "Godzilla vs. Mothra". Meanwhile, while roaming around Tokyo on Google Earth, I discovered the giant monster swimming in the harbor. A user tagged him from the satellite.

My weekend went by rapidly, a few fun things to do but really just reasons to be exhausted today. My mind is not on what it should be. I have dreams about some sort of Zen life but it just isn't happening yet.

Green line, blue line? Broken lines! Listening to Client and D-Mode.

Work smells like a burning vacuum cleaner because I switched on the heat for the first time. Today I realized that I have the ingredients already for what I want, I just need to rearrange things. Daydreams of sleeping in a chair.

What's with the sudden depression? Is it the sleeplessness? The only thing that has kept me happy is the Encyclopedia Dramatica. But man, I'm down. Like a downer. Like the Downing Street Memo.

I need to read Too Much Coffee Man again. I need to make a phone call. I need to just chill tonight. At my "whore" party, where we're going to play mafia like at certain slutty lesbo fests on New Year's Eve in Edina. Where there are lots of azns.

Fuck poetry today.

My tongue feels numb from the Fresca that I drank during speech class.

I think I'm going to have a small party at my place on Saturday. Sounds enjoyable. Yes indeed.

Ah, yes, Japanese is my life. I have a test tonight. Two of them really, one on paper, and one walking around. Less nervous, better mood.

This morning was terrible.

11:30, I was supposed to meet someone that I'd only once ran into. Before I arrived, I felt an overwhelming anxiety the likes of which I hadn't seen in years. I had no real intentions but to make a good impression. But this feeling cut me off completely, I looked medicated.

About an hour later, and I'd wasted their time. Well, I'm not sure exactly what went wrong. I'm sure that they'll remember me at least for a day or so, but let's just say that it ended with "I'm not sure we should meet again."

I believe that part of it was that I didn't really answer any question frankly, despite my declaration at the end that I too was a frank person. They sure were frank about their dislike.

The irony is that after this friendly rejection, I ran into three friends whom I had fallen out of touch with. We all made plans for Saturday night.

:)

I had studied all weekend for the "dialogue check" in Japanese. Unfortunately, the teacher forgot about it - until the 2nd gen Japanese American kid who answers everything reminded her. So I went up to do speak when it was my turn, and.. behold, I had forgotten half of it. The words sputtered out, and I lost a point - which is actually 33% in this case.

The rest of the class was angry too.. Ugh, I just felt drained after class today. This damned schedule is catching up with me in a big way. I can see it in my eyes - they sink in as if I had a drug addiction. Caffeine?

Reality continues to shift. The process has been speeding up since 10/13. Unspoken words are my main concern. What does the context of this scenario really point to? What is truly going on?

I was just thinking tonight about how much I hate my Japanese class.

I am surrounded by stereotypes.. yes of course the anime guys... and well.. this one lady. Oh and the other lady. That would be the teaching assistant. Everyone is a Japanophile. I mean, I'm into Fruits, Suicide Club, little apartments, Lost in Translation, 2LDK, and making the food and such.. and I like sake..

Man.. I scare myself. I'm worried. I have French class tomorrow at least. Man I love France.

Okay, so I'm more scared.

No but seriously, with Japanese, there is the second-gen guy in the class that already took 4 years of it in high school. He spits out the answers and the anime boys worship him. Anyone else is annoyed to death. Then there is the pink haired girl in the class, who everyone worships, and who confuses the shit out of me. I'm so tired of this piece of shit class.

But I'm doing really well in it.

The elegant cat keeps coming into our apartment, last night I fed her a couple of sardines that I didn't want. Empire Strikes Back later with Lydia and Lee and some burritos earlier yesterday with Tony, and it was a better night than most. Wow, what if I start calling him Tony? Perhaps that's what it was all of those years.

RS!!! RS!!! RS!!!

I am shot.

Also confused. And I don't listen to music as much. I don't want to get boring. I have to keep it real. The bakery has to be Chinese. The coffee has to be cold press. The music... the music has to be Sebastien Tellier. Dammit!

Don na ongaku o kikimasu ka?

"Jazzu o kikimasu!"

Don na resutoran ni ikimasu ka?

"Ajya no resutoran ni ikimasu!"

True Thai ni ikimasu ka?

"Hai soo desu! Oishii desu ne!"

...

"When you said "the bus is here", it was funny... My name is Rachel, without an a, that's the right way to spell it."

It's very wet outside.

I was absent from French again today, this is the fourth time. I'm doing well academically at least, but not so well attendance-wise and I'm a little concerned and angry with myself. Japanese today was amazing though. I picked up a lot today. Maybe it was because a certain neon-headed individual was not present.

A sweet cat, a Siamese and Persian hybrid, ran into my apartment today and wouldn't leave for an hour. It reminded me of Storm. It had a very similar personality. Who would let that cat out into the rain?

Sara is over again, yay Nate. Albeit, I'm a little suspicious about it. I am eating carrots.

I'm moody? Yes. Silent too.

Listening to: Sunspots.

I am full. Tone brought me a cheesarito and I had already eaten a small package of natto and some kimchi jjigae with ramen.

These days I try and quell the schizophrenic arguments in my brain by thinking in other languages. $285.40? Actually I was hesitant, but after a good nights sleep I think that I'm not insane.

Yesterday news came when I heard someone talking about the Pakistani Earthquake - that makes Hurricane Katrina look like a cakewalk. Well.. hearing them arguing against sending aid to Pakistan. Stupid insane right wing bus people.

Sometimes one invests too heavily in a loved one. Well, that someone is not me. But it isn't fun to see when that person suddenly becomes unimportant and their loved one becomes untrustworthy. It's not a pretty sight.

Vague, aye. Vague bagel bag. Fatty!

?

I was thinking tonight - teenage girl syndrome is still widespread even in my age bracket! Bring out the transparencies! Bring out the marker-colored signs!

Today, 3:45AM. I finally fell asleep. Der Untergang actually kept me awake.

Today, 9:05AM. I woke up exactly when French class and the Chapter 6 test was beginning.

Today, 10:50AM. I finished my French test during the teacher's office hours.

Today 11:10AM. Paid back the Espresso 22 guy after he gave me a coffee yesterday.

Today 11:30AM. Met with my speech teacher and talked about my upcoming Dada poem.

Today 3:30PM. Said, "Please give me the remote." and various other phrases a bunch of different ways.

Today 5:55PM. An unexpected visit as I do my homework on carpeted steps leads to the solidification of a companionship.

Today 7:40PM. Poor people with empty wallets and broken tennis rackets convince me that I am infatuated with my TA.

Today 8:10PM. It would be awkward.

Today 8:50PM. Guacamole, Triscuits. More tennis rackets. A glass of whiskey.

Today 9:15PM. I formally declare myself as a hermit studying arcane ways.

Today 10:10PM. I hear "I have to go" as various other phrases about a dozen times.

Today 10:13PM. I decide to name this post, "Shit." Then I change the name to "Thirteen."

Hardcore test today in Japanese. I think that I did alright. French test tomorrow though.

Lydia and I have a secret weapon however - studying together. Yes indeed. And that was what we did last night. But before that, I was opening the door when there was one of the loudest, most brutal sounds and sights that I have ever seen. Lightning struck the tree right next to my house. The branches actually go over my place, and I was right outside of the door - I'm up three flights, so this was outside mind you. It was fucking insane. Totally scary. It was like some giant took a picture with a huge flash, and the noise was like a 3 ton anvil hitting a steel floor. Loud.

I got a wonderful postcard in the mail today! I love mail! Ah, what an upper.

Made more sushi today. I think that I finally have the rice part down. It's hard though to use all of the damn cucumber/avocado in one sitting.

Guh, watching Downfall tonight, time to see Hitler sad. Aww. Also, I've got to write this insane poem by tomorrow midday. How the week goes by.

"Daylight is the enemy." - Ladytron

Oh rock me, oh rock my horns. That's some fine trumpet. Welcome to the parlor of comics, meet "Empire Builder" and "Conquistador", two walking penises. Bored men, men still in their teens, oh yeah. That's it.



Oh, you know what I'm looking forward to? Well, being halfway there, and also, when the fortune cookie tales come true. Oh last night was a feast. Egg noodle tofu cilantro soup, eggplant and tofu, egg foo young, and bok choy in garlic sauce. Oh yeah. Enough food for three days. My stomach is jamming, so screw the naysayers baby, screw 'em.



It's getting so nice outside, sheer gray in the sky, no sun, breezes. Yep, fall. Transferring officially tomorrow, switching. So chill man, so relaxed. Trying to keep the worst case scenarios in the back right corner of the skull again. Pixie whispering the tune, the ancient story tune, the pulsating piano, trance-like but there's none of that club stuff.



I'm a politician man.

(Two minutes later) I've got bad news for me. Listening to Mauer.

Well howdy partners. Today crunchy rice balls with red bean paste were consumed. Damned good they were. There were many customers today at the shop. Scaring Ron's kid Eleanor by wearing the Abomination mask and peeking out of the basement door was the highlight of the day by far.

But, I'm thinking of something. I can hear things.. subtle things, behind voices, voices. RADIO TRANSMISSIONS! Whoa. TRANCE. Now. No, the phone line, there was something going on. I should relax, like the ubermensch!

That's right, just like Grant Morrison said. Superman? He would CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Because that's what he can do. 'Cause nothing hurts him. He should be fearless. He doesn't age. He isn't affected by free radicals. And also, "Je ne suis pas jaloux!" But maybe I am? But no! But.. I am. It's bad. I.. feel.